Poetic Revelations: Creative Turds, Wisdom and Mirth
Your Bigness and Humility
The exquisite risk is a doorway, that lets us experience the extraordinary in the ordinary. It’s always near. Truth opens it. Love opens it. Humility opens it. ~ Mark Nepo
Because Human-ing is harder than Adulting. This is a weekly publication for heart-centered warriors, swimming through this thing called Life.
Selected Readings:
The Exquisite Risk, Mark Nepo
IX, Wendell Berry
(Song) Deeper Well, Kacey Musgrave
Dear Embodied Hearts and Dancing Souls,
Things became swirl-y last week. As I struggled to regain footing, I also had a short trip to Nashville. Truly Music City, I heard live singing nearly everywhere.
A strange humility. Ever since I decided to dive into my calling full time, I felt a feeling enter my body that wasn’t there before. A strange humility. I say strange because, I wasn’t expecting it. Here I am answering the calling of my gifts and purpose, letting go of fears that once stood in the way. I was looking forward to the wide open space of creative possibilities. What was this?
I don’t have a full grasp on it. It has something to do with learning to be a unique drop in an ocean of unique drops. It has something to do with knowing my limitations, my beginning and end. Isn’t this interesting, the Universe speaking to me in contrasts?
Creating my own Hell. November was rough. I am dealing with painful realities. I got in my human way. Apparently Churchill said, If you’re going through hell, just keep going. Ha ha, but I bring it up here because in the last week, I have been getting starkly clear on core behaviors I engage in that cause my own hell. My husband too. He seemed to be able to look his clear in the eye, shake his head no and walk away. What?? Can you do that?
Working with other service providers for my start-up, my messy patterning got triggered. Though these activities were fairly effortless when I was employed, somehow it’s different when its “my” stuff. My default programming? A funny-not funny combination of creating the extraordinary (whatever that means) and then second guessing my choices. My mind ran in circles until it begged me to stop. The destructive quality of it all made me stop. Honestly my "overthrusting” inevitably pushes my desires out of my grasp. In my writing or creative endeavors this shows up as unnecessary complication. Instead of the promise I dove in for, I look up and see creative “turds”. Not just headsmacking, this losing proposition wastes precious time.
Looking at the dynamic from beginning to end, I too must say no. This includes the bit where I beat myself up and ask friends to lift me back up. No, thank you.
What Big Love Says. In our house we are learning that when we engage in certain behaviors that create hell for us and others, the wisest thing to do is to go one level down and ask, “What is my real need under the behavior?” Its exactly like this beautiful tender drawing. So many of us were not taught that our needs matter, let alone learning to ask for getting them met. So let me say to you:
Your needs matter! When they don’t get met, something horrible happens—to others, you, all of us.
Gratefully I caught the part of me that was running in circles. I went right into my heart to get clear on what I actually needed from others and myself. Rather than an extraordinary website, its more valuable to me to have a functioning one. I’ll update it with a clarity that will come later on. Recognizing where my weaknesses lie, I am asking my husband for help.
Is it this simple to “change”? No….but getting clear on my own BS is part of the strange humility. Seeing my behavior and my needs is an invaluable part of seeing my limitations and … accepting them. This feeds my learning curve about my needs and limitations, a layer of my Yes’ and No’s.
Lightening Up. I also directly asked my Spirit team to help me walk away from the bad behavior, to show me how to not get in my way like this anymore. As I soon as I was willing to make this choice, the Universe began responding. My daily word puzzle confirmed that my path is exactly what my Book wants to be. Everything is suggesting that I lighten up.
On my path is a guided meditation, where I connect with bigger reservoirs in my Body-Spirit—an amalgamation of my Being, Higher Self, Future Self, Human self, the dancing child….coming together in one big puppy pile, in a singular point in the middle of my Heart. Here, my human self feels held, relaxing her fearful (controlling) hold. (Psst, its this hold that creates the turds!)
Breathing into this beautiful assurance in my heart space, I can softly hold possibilities again. It reminds me of my choice to say yes to adopting a cat. When I made this room, not one but two cats came in.
Making Room for the Big. On a short trip to Nashville, I listen to live soulful country music that clears the muck from my energy field. Back in Flow, I reconnect with the energy of my Book with the help of a giving friend. I am seeing it, feeling it and loving it even more now. (I am so excited!) This beautiful wisdom I am shepherding, as long as I loosen my grip to allow the Wisdom and Mirth to flow through. My compassion finds full flow the rest of this day. Somehow family members near and far find me available for them; I am guided by compassion rather than judgement to lead the way as the realities of Indian patriarchy rise to the surface, asking my attention.
There are such Big Forces here in the ready for us if we are willing.
Here is that humility, right smack dab in my face. What am I serving? Am I aligning my Will with the Small or the Big? Getting out of Alignment with my Divine Self becomes about control. In Alignment, I feel abundance flowing. Since my writing coach mentioned him, I remind you of the beautiful Spirit and Life of Mattie Stepanek, who died at the age of 13 as a prolific beloved poet (with friends e.g. Jimmy Carter and Oprah).
"I never question God. Sometimes I say, 'Why me? Why do I have such a hard life? Why do I have this disease? Why do I have siblings who died? But then I think, why not me?" ~ Mattie Stepanek
To your compassionate flow. Stay #heartwoke.
Monisha
When we belong to ourselves, we move freely. ~ Monisha Mittal
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