Poetic Revelations: Sunbeams in the Darkness
The Poison in our Wings
"Even After All This Time The Sun never says to the Earth, “You Owe Me. Look What happens With a love like that, It lights the whole sky."
— Hafiz
This is a weekly publication for heart-centered warriors, swimming through this thing called life. Because Human-ing is harder than Adulting.
SELECTED POEMS
The Sound of the Sun, George Bradley
To Glow, Mark Nepo
Dear Embodied Hearts and Dancing Souls,
Sometimes one just needs a shoulder to lean on. This week, I find it remarkable that a ray of sunshine could inspire me to write. And even more remarkable that somehow this warmth is connected to a Depression that accompanied my return from India.
Dance Chapel is ON tonight.
Sun Beam. This morning, I had one of those perfect moments. In what is otherwise a chilly morning, I am folded over, rubbing my cat who is laying splayed on the floor. We are both basking in the sunbeam spilling forth through the open span of our storm door. The warmth of the beam is like no other. It softens, it relaxes. And at the same time, my favorite Sunday morning show featuring guitar string music is playing. My cat begins to purr more loudly asking to be picked up. Oh my goodness, have you picked up a fully sunned out cat? Its like picking up a perfectly heated, comforting hot-water bottle.Come-to-me! I snuggled with him for a few moments, both of us seeping up even more warmth in that sunlit expanse.
The Big D. For many years of my life, I was steeped in a Depression. Depression feels cold, like something’s holding me in an icy grip. Inside, is a feeling of inherited gloom and doom. How could I, coming from a background littered with broken relationships ever be whole, loved, and build the type of family and community I believed in? This leads to the sense of underlying powerlessness which is fundamentally what depression is about.
In the past, in this powerlessness, I honestly could not believe I had what it took to create the life I wanted. I feared no matter how caring I was, or capable, that something inside was just too broken. There lay a deep fear I carried a permanent blemish from the pain of my upbringing that would ultimately repel others, no matter how well meaning, to reject me as damaged goods.
I can see now why the trip to India opened up these wounds - wounds of displacement and Sorrow from past generations. There is Pain in my lineage. This time, it becomes clear the Sorrow is not mine, its not in me. Rather, it is in my immediate history, alive in present day relationships that still impact me.
Returning from India, the big D visited me again. I recognized its icy tinge and…those sad feelings. But now, the icy grip was at my edges, not hogging up my entire space.
Yes big D was back for a visit but, it was lingering more lightly. I attribute this to the last five years of Embodied Play.
It feels good to describe this clearly. I have too many journals from my twenties filled with me trying to think, pray, and emote my way out of this feeling but never the hindsight to see it for what it was. I share this just in case it strikes a chord for you or others you know.
Part of my Wings. I decided to write a letter to my Depression. Its just so dang familiar now, you know? Its like the start of that Simon and Garfunkle song, Hello darkness my old friend.
Writing the letter, I am reminded that the Sorrow I grew up with is like the poison of the milkweed plant that leaves black markings etched on the monarch’s wings. The Sorrow might not be me, but its definitely shaped me. It led my heart into poverty alleviation and community development finance. It still fires my passion for equality and empowerment so people know they are More than their environment or circumstance.
The Sorrow is a part of my Wings, not something that is going to drown them.
Bowing and Warming. When the message of the monarch butterfly and its wings arises, I choose to Bow to my big D right then and there. I could respect it, welcome it even.
The iciness melts away first of all. A warmth springs up in its place. A warmth that seeps into the Sorrow, melting it. A warmth that lets me know this Sorrow is not my responsibility to carry. Growing up, it was thrust upon me, but in truth, its been mine to keep or let go of all along. Its My choice. This is the return to having my Power.
And that’s all these daily rituals are for me. I’m not super disciplined at maintaining them but they are so there for me, ready to catch me as I fall. They return me to the center of my breathing (and moving). All so that I connect with my inherent Light and make choices to foster and feed it.
With so much Love for you, your journey and your unfolding.
Stay #heartwoke.
Monisha
NOTES:
Dance Chapel is ON tonight, 2/20/2024
A beautiful description of staying with the guests who come to visit and guide us
I sense the dance of sun and sorrow as you describe it. All so close. I sense the sorrow of dealing with a poverty of love from others and how we learn to dance our way home in spite of it. So grateful that you, we, I can.