The Dance of Confidence and Humility
Becoming a Unicorn
“Eventually, all the love, suffering, and humility we go through wear away our walls of resistance until Spirit shines from within us like an inner sun” ~ Mark Nepo
Because Human-ing is harder than Adulting. This is a weekly publication for heart-centered warriors, swimming through this thing called Life.
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Selected Readings and Sounds:
Crossing Over, William Meredith
You, the Unbreakable Water, John Roedel
Dear Embodied Hearts and Dancing Souls,
Listening for the “Way under the Way” is like a floe of water under an icy surface. On the surface, we have needs. As William Meredith so aptly observes, “I am as fat as a bloodhound.” The floe asks us to follow our unique truth.
The stories are each a little larger than “micro” today. 🙏
Stitching and Slipping. I am on my second knitting project. Two college friends introduced me to knitting seven years ago. Amidst the weight of creating a new venture, my body wants me to knit again. Let go of the big questions and let your fingers do the walking, She says. You should have seen me. From the start, I questioned my progress. The process felt jerky; I couldn’t find my rhythm. I used videos to undo stitches and went back to the store to sort out another one.
The store owner’s mom examined my knitting and assured me it looked fine. She watched my technique, guiding me to letting the needles do more work to create a looser stitch. Her advice? You’ll make mistakes, she said, but just keep going. She was the second random stranger that day to tell me to “Just Keep Going” by the way. Earlier that day, a man at my coffee shop table urged me to keep going with my book—just like Rilke last week. He had finished a dissertation last year.
Just now, after a few tries with the method she taught me, something clicked. “Oh,” went my mind, “that’s why the thread gets yanked backwards after a purl stitch.” My rhythm takes off. I turn a corner in learning this pattern of knit-knit-purl.
Do you see what I mean? The way you relate to yourself shows up in everything. For me, even my knitting: jerking myself around, easing the pressure, incorporating spaciousness, finding my rhythm. I’m needy. I’m weighty. I make mistakes.
Turtles and Colonization. When I was in the Badlands (below), I was in the “bad lands” of my life. Decimated, I felt like I had reached the end of all roads—career, love, and family. This photo resembles that inner landscape.
Five years ago, I left a 20-year job to follow a whisper in my heart. I discovered the gifts of the InterPlay improvisational system, got certified, and began creating, leading and writing. Supporting myself with a part-time job, I followed the expression of my essential nature. I cherish my becoming. Then, I was laid off in September.
How now brown cow? Last week I stuck my turtle head out of its shell by applying for a job. When I did, I was bopped on my knuckles by external authority. This triggered a fear response, around being a unicorn. My real fear? I wasn’t sure I could face where I am honestly. I was scared of what I would see.
Fearing myself, unable to trust my essential self? That’s crazy! This is dishonest. I now see this as a function of colonization of my body by external societal forces—e.g., patriarchy and well-intentioned familial expectations. Trusting ourselves is the more natural state.
Confidence and Humility: To move forward, I sense an invitation to find a new balance between confidence and humility. Writing this, I see this is richer than just balance. I’m called to examine the basis for my confidence. Same drill: follow the stalk of confidence down to its root. Is confidence based on being certain? on conquering my circumstances? No.
The only confidence I find is in my breath. Centering my focus on my breath, I hear…I exist. I can listen. I can ask. I can ask what I need to learn.
And right then and there, my heart rises up and spreads out, like a large blossoming. Here is one place where confidence and humility meet.
They feel like streams merging in my heart, reminding me of the Softness in John Roedel’s Unbreakable Water poem:
your soul is wrapped
in the softest of fabrics
for a reason
the softer you become
the more you understand
how precious all life is
~ John Roedel, You, The Unbreakable Water
Humility comes again during a body-centering meditation (so helpful I’ll be recreating it for you). Receiving my Body’s sensory feedback, I bow to the sentience living inside my physical boundary. I feel the enormity of Big Love here under my skin. My Body (and the Life Gorce that animates it) breathes, digests, and regulates my physical existence.
I exist merely in a perimeter. I control nothing outside this perimeter. My expression is one of multitudes. ~ Monisha
John Roedel got famous writing Hey God. Hey John, a series of letters to God. I wish I had room for an excerpt from this hilarious one about control. John expresses his terror living in uncertainty. God says it is a “great adventure.” John isn’t so sure. 😂
The Unicorn and the Status-Quo. Wondrously, I opened a book by Martha Beck that clarifies where I am in this journey. The whole thing is about living honestly, by—wait for it—expressing your true nature! She calls it not lying and the Way of Integrity. It’s incredible to see her lay this journey out. I’ve been doing this by feel. Typically, we hear stories about that first courageous step. But, where am I now? I didn’t know where this experiment would lead. Honestly, I thought I would be there by now. 😂
No, Beck tells me. That’s because she has lived the consequences of not going against her essential nature as an ex-Mormon. She explains:
“Cultures rely on consensus–if everyone agrees, there’s no pressure on the system. Any dissent, like the child shouting that the emperor has no clothes could bring down the whole social order.” ~ Martha Beck
There’s more but ultimately, expressing our unicorn selves is a threat to the status quo. I face real risks and consequences from my next choices and what I want to say, bumping up against challenging societal norms. From judgment to low income, the list goes on and begets real tradeoffs. No wonder I experienced terror.
Beck calls this the 'point of no turning back,' a 'sheer cliff.' She says I’m 'probably freaking out.' Yes and yes! Now I see the antagonistic job application process as Life’s way of telling me to ask the questions only I can answer: What do I really want and why?
Bon Courage. At this choice point, she reminds me I have more to give up, and gain. Everything is an exchange. What more societal misfit-tedness needs to be trusted? What more “othering” needs to be embraced? I marvel how this is a distillation of our macro climate. So many of us must get honest about what to give up and what to stand for as we choose to use our voice.
It is a different kind of giving up! Standing here, I cannot measure myself by those who control the flow of resources. My body longs to merge the bent of my expression with my livelihood. But first, I must look up to see the tradeoffs clearly.
At this bend in the road, I can only turn to my breath and heart, feel where I begin and end and make my choices. This is where my confidence and humility merge. It is also my only real source of courage for going forward.
I couldn’t find my unicorn picture so you get this stream. To your exquisite unfolding. Stay #heartwoke.
Monisha
I don’t know when to share this so here goes. As a post-script to last week’s post on Savoring, let me savor a special moment by celebrating this with you:
When we belong to ourselves, we move freely. ~ Monisha Mittal
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