The night I changed how I pray
Are you OK?
“i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)” e.e. cummings
Because Human-ing is harder than Adulting. This is a weekly publication for heart-centered warriors, swimming through this thing called Life.
Selected Readings and Sounds:
my mother’s hands, Nate Marshall
One Art, Elizabeth Bishop
Dear Embodied Hearts and Dancing Souls,
Other people’s suffering. This week stopped me in my tracks. It is one thing to step into my own light, but what about the people, cats and creations I pour my love into? In the column of beings who are suffering in my life right now, I can add my beloved mother, Spacecat (painful dental issue) and my husband (personal pain). Knowing your loved ones are suffering feels like its own purgatory. And then there are people’s loved ones in the fires in L.A.
I am standing in the middle of my parent’s kitchen stressed out. I am here to …I don’t know. I only know my mother is making choices out of my control. Choices of despair. To have peace of mind, I wanted to see her myself. But I don’t know what to say, or how to help.
As a whole schmear on the week, I learned my development website - which was on the cusp of being implemented…got wiped due to an error by the hosting provider. It was enough for me to sit in the back of the Lyft to the airport, feel sorry for myself and cry it out.
Praying per usual. Usually I find ways to fill my cup and paths that lead to emotional freedom if not live-out-loudness. Usually I navigate the stressors life sends my way. Which is very different from tending to the needs of others. When everything or everyone I love is breaking down, or suffering in some way, what is mine to do?
When everything or everyone I love is breaking down, or suffering in some way, what is mine to do?
I was praying—constantly. Please Archangels, soothe and protect my cat. Help him understand the vet, the injection, the pain medicine is to help, not hurt him. Please Divine Mother, protect and console my mother. But here is the thing, none of this is easing my tension. I don’t find relief. What is this strange tension and unease?
And then it hits me. It’s a strange tension when we carry other people…especially their happiness as part of our responsibility. I am running smack dab into their Divine Will, their cadre of choices. This is why I don’t know what I can do. I’m not them. I can’t control their choices. I can’t control their behaviors. I gravitate towards taking on their pain. But all this does is make me stressed out AF.
Working with Big Love. This is when I remember my wizened friend Sherryl Lin whose life path has taught her with impunity how to love the people she cares about most when she can’t stop their choices to suffer. She is public about the fact that they struggle with addiction She often says she has to remember that they have their own spirit team guiding them. I never quite understood.
But in my unknowing, I stand between the kitchen and breakfast area of my parents house, with a phone in one hand and a visual of my mother in the other. I suddenly knew what I needed to do. The phone wasn’t going to tell me. Instead, I tune into my cat’s spirit team. I could feel their care, their force field around Chandra. This forcefield of love immediately calmed me down. I instinctively opened my heart and sent my love to that force field. I am here, I love him, I said. (Whatever happens he is MY beloved cat.) Second, I asked, Please, let me know what I can do. I am listening.
This act of tuning into the guides and love stream that is already here for him finally helped me Rest. Instead of wasting my energy on worry or guilt, I could feel grateful, humble and secure within the light and truth of his life stream, this larger reality. This is a way for me to connect with him in Big Love despite the physical distance.
This same reality exists for my mother. First, I send my love—I join my heart stream to her life stream. With this choice, I stand in my true power as a Divine Being, as a force from and for Big Love. And second, please let me know what to do. I am listening. I feel more peaceful. I am in congruence with some truth, something real. It’s her right to make these choices that I can’t understand or change.
The heart breaks in layers. Growing up, my mom wrapped everything in plastic bags and tied them in very tight knots. Usually it was food she packed to take back with me. But also clothes, raw vegetables, kitchen utensils, anything she thought I might need. The knots were always SO tight, it was a running joke. Once no matter how hard tried, I had to take scissors to the bag. This time though, before I placed the bag in a box at the Post Office, I stopped to take a picture of the knotted bag. An impression of her physical imprint on the world. (Note, knot is loosened in picture)
In my unknown, there are many layers to heartbreak. Friends are wonderful. Remember to breathe, said one. The question, How are you? Are you OK? felt wonderful. Just being asked this refreshed my nervous system. We are all HELD. We just have to learn to come into relationship with this truth.
To your exquisite unfolding. Stay #heartwoke.
Monisha
When we belong to ourselves, we move freely. ~ Monisha Mittal
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big love! to you, to your spirit team, and to the spirit team of each being.