I dusted off an old poem from decades ago because it picks up on the theme of last week’s post: life as a prepetual current pulling us forward. I don’t know that this recording is my best take but the vibration is here. Take a 2 minute listen.
I want to pay homage to a poem by William Meredith’s (not P) Crossing Over. (Its one of my favorite poems and one of the best love poems in my opinion!).
In this space, I want to pull on the word undertow from my poem. I have had two experiences now where a force larger than me pushes me back out from the depths. The first was a relationship loss before I turned 30. The depths I had fallen into were acute sorrow, despair and depression that lasted more than a year. (I walked around a dim, muted version of myself.) I had lost hope for having the kind of life and happiness I believed in.
A few years later, I had the experience of putting on (and pulling off) the first ever literary festival in the US for South Asian writing. We had grant money; the blessings and participation of the most established indie book store in DC; we had the press and beautiful authors, participants and volunteers. The Embassy of India participated. Many of our merry band of volunteers turned into life long friendships. All this just a few years after my acute loss. I was co-chair and the one who shaped the vision. The energy was palpable all day, an uplifting experience to say the least.
This poem was written during one of those rare, culminating moments when you catch a glimpse of the countless tiny events that had to align for this to happen. My feeling then was the sense of this undertow that shot me back to towards the surface. Amidst my depression and despair, it seemed to have a mind of its own that said, “Nope, its not your time. You’re not done yet.”
Last year was also a culminating year for diving into deeper waters listening to a particular frequency of Embodied Presence. I was curious. I wanted to play. I followed the frequency throughout the playgroups I led last year. What was in the field? Where did flow want to go? What I went to explore came out true. I could see Dauism in play through the InterPlay forms in real life.
Yet by the time it was over in July, I was spent to the edges of my energy. I lost the frequency, or it let go of me. I reached an end and it felt anticlimatic.
It took months to realize that, as I was following my curiousity about humans as Embodied Beings, I reached a limit. The Deep had pushed back.
The Deep seemed to say, “You got what you needed, now shoo. Don’t come any closer,” Here it was again. This push from the undertow that said, firmly but gently, “That is enough dear child. Back to the surface you go.” I felt lighter as soon as I got the message. I am meant to be on the surface, amidst the swirls and eddies of Real Living. Expressing and sharing my true self, initiating connection, discovering boundaries, expanding how much of me I can embody and receive and enjoy and exchange and more.
The Whole River is Healing, even the undertow.
~ Monisha Mittal
The Whole River is Healing